You've probably seen me post clips of this cover before if you follow me on Instagram and watch my Instastories. I feel like the past couple of months have been filled with rediscovery of music I've loved and music that has been pertinent to certain times in my life.
This song is one of them.
This particular recording feels super vulnerable and I questioned even sharing it because of how much emotional I was. But I've decided the more I've posted these more vulnerable posts, I haven't regretted it. I've had so many of you reach out in support and say you appreciated it because some of these things are just not talked about.
So... are you ready for it?
Trauma. This song is filled with so much emotion for me because of trauma. Emotional trauma is so underrated but it is so real. It's something we don't often talk about because it can seem ambiguous which can make us feel like we're crazy or like we don't have the right to put that label on it, because there is often no physical evidence or solid "proof". Because people can lead us to believe we are crazy for our strong feelings and responses. That being open about what we are going through is a sign of weakness and can further instill in us that we are somehow crazy.
Because we are having traumatic responses when we are being told that everything is fine.
I have met so many incredible people in the last few years of my life. Many of which have dealt with their own trauma and each circumstance different than the next. I've noticed however, that these feelings are underlying. Identifying these feelings and being able to connect to others who have experienced them can help us see that we are not alone in battling this monster. It can help us start to recognize what we are dealing with, for what it is, and begin the process of healing and turning something horrible into something beautiful. Something that makes us stronger.
As I've mentioned many times before, this last year has been one of healing. But here's the thing about trauma. Things can get buried so deep inside, that you can feel like you are on a "normal" trajectory to healing until something else catches you completely off guard by braking loose a wound that you never even knew existed. I think this is because, out of self preservation, we can numb ourselves so well that we can become immune to a good portion of the things that could hurt us. But when we begin to heal again, to FEEL again, all it will take is a trigger we didn't know existed to set free some of the deepest cuts and most painful feelings.
Like this song. As I have been dating again, it's honestly been really fun and really good for me. I really haven't had too many complaints. But times when I've started developing feelings, I felt like I was having to navigate this dating thing all over again from scratch. It wasn't until I listened to Love Me or Leave Me that I discovered why.
As a human, and as humans often do, there was one night I was having a particularly rough time... emotionally speaking. Dating had been feeling, eh, but I was feeling just so incredibly low. It didn't make sense to me. I knew that my dating life was attributing to it, but it didn't feel like it was enough to make me feel the deep sadness I was feeling.
Now when I say a deep sadness, I mean a deep sadness. It was as if I just knew I HAD to cry. Now, I wouldn't say I'm not a cryer, but there are very few times where I feel like I NEED to cry. I just needed this painful sadness to be released. The best way I could think of to break those tears loose was to listen to music. But it had to be the right music. As I was in bed at 11 at night, I began searching through my music to find something that could finally make me cry already.
I came across Love Me or Leave Me on my shuffle. It had probably been a good two years since I had listened to it. As I was listening to it, even before the words started to play, in one sudden rush I knew exactly why I was feeling the way I had. I began to sob harder than I can ever think of. It was like this scar that I didn't even know was there was ripped right open and all of these painful feelings that had been subconsciously feeding into my present became so real and so prominent in that moment. It was painful. It was dark. But allowing myself to feel it and understand the root of these feelings that kept making guest appearances, was healing.
The thing about this particular feeling, cognition, event, whatever you want to call it; it's something that has been an underlying negative influence in my life. It's a feeling of rejection, betrayal, being trapped, and worst of all, like I didn't belong and that maybe I never did even though at some point I knew I did .
That's the scary thing about trauma. If we let it go unidentified and untouched it can control so many things in our present without us even knowing it. We start making decisions based off of the past. Basing our current experiences off of old feelings that we buried deep. It's a process. It's something I am still learning to cope with and that I am still healing from. It's something that isn't easy for me, and I'm sure most people, to talk about. It can feel embarrassing. It can make me feel damaged and that I'm not only damaged, but that I somehow did it to myself. But that's just not the truth. I'm still discovering what the truth is and learning to believe what I know to be true about myself. I'm trying to be patient with myself by equally giving myself some credit while also pushing myself in healthy ways.
Remember, it IS a process. For those who are dealing or have dealt with some kind of emotional trauma, please be patient with yourself, be patient with your loved ones. The healing process is an incredible rollercoaster with high highs and low lows. But if you keep at it, and trust the light that is at the end of the tunnel, it will be well worth the ride and you will come out stronger on the other end. I just can't believe anything else.