I am feeling just like so uninspired right now for anything creative. But it's weird because I have an itch to create, but I am just like so tired and when I sit down to do something I feel totally blank. I don't know what I wanna write right now. It's hard to explain how I've been feeling lately I feel like I've been complaining a lot... and I feel like I've just been talking about my problems. It's this weird balance with social media and sharing things in general, between not "making my life look too perfect" but also not "being annoying and always just talking about my problems", like my sleep disorder and just all the other stuff. I think sometimes I feel annoyed with myself and maybe other people don't feel that way, but I don't know I sometimes just get caught between wanting to share and not wanting to share and there's just been a lot going on internally lately...






one month later...


I didn't expect there to be more to my trauma than what I've already known and experienced... but I probably should have. I had no Idea that my boy's Dad getting married would cast a melancholy shadow on the last month. That entering into the deeper parts of a relationship would bring up undiscovered fears and remnants from my past relationship, causing me to need to evaluate my capacity as a partner. That I would be hearing my kids talk about how they now have two moms. That my sleep disorder would decide to kick me in the butt while I'm already down. That I would still be struggling to become financially independent not only as a single mom, but someone who is at times, and currently, unable to function at full capacity due to a sleep disorder.



i don't want to talk about my feelings

feelings


While we're just laying it all out there, I may as well share I've also been super self conscious about my body - which I never have before. I constantly feel like I am bloated and none of my clothes fit. The expectations portrayed on social media and in society in general, that I used to feel immune to, have played into this a lot in the last year.


It feels like I'm at a dead end a lot of times. I often find myself wondering how anyone gets ahead? Feeling so depressed and unmotivated makes finding that will power to find a solution even harder.


I don't feel like me. Sometimes I wonder what me is. I mean, I know who I am at my core, but there are certain aspects of myself that I am still discovering. l want to get back on track but am often unsure how or even where to begin...


So I'll begin here. I wanna blog more and share more because it's something I enjoy doing. Sharing and creating something that's important to me has always been a great outlet. And even though I don't know how I'm gonna overcome a lot of these things, I know that somehow overtime it will get better, so rather than wait for some unknown end to a journey, why not just start, and document the journey itself.


One thing is for certain. I need more of the Savior in my life. I need more of His Spirit in my life. I could use a miracle, a miracle that can come only through Him. I know as I have faith and put forth my best effort, things will be made more clear, and this "journey" will always have a direction.



life journey


I can get through this.



one week later...


I really don't know how to formulate my thoughts here... I've had the beginnings of a concept for this post, (well, more just like an overall feeling), for a while and it was meant to be really good, empowering, and impactful... or something like that... but, it's just ended up to be kind of an all over the place word dump.


But I guess maybe that is in part why I am just going with it. Because I feel like these are the moments that are so rarely captured. It's what I mean when I wrote earlier about taking you all along the journey with me, and doing what I love in the moment, rather than waiting for some grand end to tie everything up real nice with a ribbon. I'm sure at some point that will come too, but maybe it will be more meaningful to get everything in between too.


To anyone and everyone in my life right now, thank you. Thank you for being patient with me as I try to navigate this weird phase of life - part of which, has caused me to disassociate at times. Things are definitely on the up, but thank you for sticking through it with me.





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I Don't Wanna Talk About My Feelings

4/15/2021